It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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