I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
