Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
