it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
