D3 body, D1 cock
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
