did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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