Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
