You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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