I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
