new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dating After Heartbreak
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you