I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*