i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
