Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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