I accidentally had phone sex last night
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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