I met the friendliest cop last night
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize