you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
