i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
