it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
