she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
