I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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