I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
