you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
