I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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