Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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