he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
