Banned from zoo.
Again?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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