I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
