Dude my mom stole all your condoms
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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