Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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