Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
