Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
