he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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