I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
