While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
