Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
