why didn't you poke me back
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
