and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
