i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
