OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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