Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
