i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
