Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
