just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
