yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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