Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
