If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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