her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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