I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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