I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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