Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
