I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize
