I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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