Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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