he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
