Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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