I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
