Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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