Please, let me fuck your mom
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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