Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dignity is for republicans.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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