I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
