i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
