Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
